In a couple weeks, it will have been 8 years since it happened. In many ways, it feels like it just happened. This is weird to be writing about right now, but I just found this picture while I was working on a present for G-Man:
I really love this picture. I think since G-Man was born, I try not to think too much about it. Maybe I always try not to think about it too much. My head hurts from trying not to cry right now. I really hate the way it feels when I'm trying not to cry. I think I worry that if I start, I may not ever stop.
A couple months ago, I was talking to Matt on the phone. We were talking about his school and all the cool opportunities he has had and how wonderful his family is. He stopped and said:
"Do you think Mom would be proud of me?"
It hurt my heart. For a couple reasons. First, that he even wondered. Of course she is. Second, that all these things he has accomplished as an adult, he's done without her cheering him on. And she was quite the cheerleader. We still have plenty of cheerleaders around and we're lucky for that, but now that I think about it, it isn't quite the same. She saw me through college and into my career and first marriage, she saw Molly most of the way through college, but she didn't get to see Matt go on his mission. (I know. She saw. But that's different.)
Okay. I'm crying now.
Yes, Matt. Definitely, definitely proud. Not only of the schooling and the career, but that you are an amazing dad that had a slumber party with Isaac last night. You're a fantastic dad and husband and man. Molly is a fantastic mom and wife and woman. Definitely proud.
Do you think Mom would be proud of me?
I think so. I really hope so. I do wonder. Maybe that's why I try not to think about it much.
I really love that picture.