Wednesday, December 12, 2007


In a couple weeks, it will have been 8 years since it happened. In many ways, it feels like it just happened. This is weird to be writing about right now, but I just found this picture while I was working on a present for G-Man:

I really love this picture. I think since G-Man was born, I try not to think too much about it. Maybe I always try not to think about it too much. My head hurts from trying not to cry right now. I really hate the way it feels when I'm trying not to cry. I think I worry that if I start, I may not ever stop.

A couple months ago, I was talking to Matt on the phone. We were talking about his school and all the cool opportunities he has had and how wonderful his family is. He stopped and said:

"Do you think Mom would be proud of me?"

It hurt my heart. For a couple reasons. First, that he even wondered. Of course she is. Second, that all these things he has accomplished as an adult, he's done without her cheering him on. And she was quite the cheerleader. We still have plenty of cheerleaders around and we're lucky for that, but now that I think about it, it isn't quite the same. She saw me through college and into my career and first marriage, she saw Molly most of the way through college, but she didn't get to see Matt go on his mission. (I know. She saw. But that's different.)

Okay. I'm crying now.

Yes, Matt. Definitely, definitely proud. Not only of the schooling and the career, but that you are an amazing dad that had a slumber party with Isaac last night. You're a fantastic dad and husband and man. Molly is a fantastic mom and wife and woman. Definitely proud.

Eight years.

Do you think Mom would be proud of me?

I think so. I really hope so. I do wonder. Maybe that's why I try not to think about it much.

I really love that picture.


Yvonne said...

I'm sure your mom would be proud of each of her children--each of you are great and have become wonderful adults.

When we have anniversaries like that isn't there great comfort in knowing what we know about life being eternal.

Whitney Johnson said...

Macy -

What a beautiful, beautiful blog entry.

I am crying now too!


Ace said...


I love you. Thanks for being a kindred spirit. When I get to meet your mom, I'm sure going to thank her for raising such great kids. :)


Macy said...

Yvonne - thanks. And thanks for the e-mail.

Whitney - that's very sweet. And thanks for crying with me.

Ace - agreed on the kindred spirit. It was great to talk to you. It always is, regardless of the circumstances.

Michal said...

this is something else that you and i have in common. your post really touched me and reminded me that it's ok sometimes to think about painful things because there is so much good and joy in our memories, even if they come with the pain of loss.
i know that my dad is still actively involved in our lives, even though we aren't always aware of his presence with us. i am sure that the same is true of your mom in your family. and i know that she is proud of her kids. each one of you.
my mom told me once that every time she had a baby, the first time that she was alone with the baby, she would show the baby to her father, who had passed away when she was expecting me. i think of that often, because it hurts to raise children who don't know their grandpa, who can't at this point understand who he was or the legacy that he left them. because i know the he is still near us, i feel like he knows them, but i wish that they knew him.

Michal said...

ps-i tagged you today on my blog. come see!

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